Friday, January 28, 2005

The Cuckold Husband / Hotwife Phenomena

Dr. Cherry Lee, Ph. D.

(Dr. Lee has lectured and published in the area of analytical psychology, and she developed one of the first electronic systems for the quantitative analysis human behavior.

She started her counseling work by leading gestalt therapy groups. Apart from this, her several decades of professional experience has been largely limited to urban, affluent, female subjects.)

What Has Spurred the Cuckold Husband/Hotwife Phenomena?
Although motivations for the cuckold husband/hotwife phenomena actually cover a wide spectrum, here we'll cover a few of the most common.

First, the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in experiencing sex with someone else. He may value the relationship and not want her to jeopardize things because of the deceit and secrecy that normally accompany affairs. In short, he wants to know about and approve any extramarital sex, and even have some control over it. The cuckold husband wants his wife's sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional entanglements. In this respect it is similar to attitudes about extramarital sex now held by many of the younger people in Japan.

The mass media often cast beautiful and desirable women as both sexy and prone to sexual liaisons. Whereas this type of woman used to be considered a "fallen woman" or even a "whore," in some minds she now seems to represent an enticing new standard.

Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, and despite the views of some radical feminists, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems. Now, many women find a certain excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as being sexually desirable — even discretely promiscuous. While holding to the security of her primary relationship, she may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.

At the same time, most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public.). But, among select men, they want they wives to be known as and "not hung up about sex," or even "great lays." Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands — and it still is to most — the more psychologically secure males believe that a healthy and well-adjusted (and desirable) woman enjoys sex, and has the right to be just as open about it as men.

Plus, the husbands involved may pride themselves in being secure enough to handle a hotwife. He may even brag to another man about how his wife loves sex and can't get enough (which, not coincidentally, may be very much in contrast to the attitude of that man's wife). Implicit in the comment is that the husband has no problem with this, and that, in fact, he thinks his wife is pretty "hot." In many cases sex within the marriage has waned or grown dull and routine and the husband may get vicarious excitement in seeing (sometimes literally) his wife remain sexually active.

Many women realize that other women regularly enjoy "good sex," and although many wives have grown ambivalent about sex within their marriages and are reluctant to try new things, these barriers frequently fall with the expectations of new sexual partners. With new men there appears to be unspoken desire to "not disappoint" and "to be good in bed."

Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife she will probably find that men are again interested in her. For some women this can constitute a kind of new "sexual awakening."
This transformation can be quite disturbing for a husband who isn't prepared to handle it. These issues are discussed in much more detail in the next chapter.

In some circles a woman may wear a bold ankle bracelet on her right ankle to tell men "in the know" that she's a hotwife. (At the same time, most women who wear ankle bracelets do so without realizing the possible significance.) Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that she's available for sex.

Women As Sex Objects?
Many women feel that being a hotwife turns a woman into a sex object. This seems to be primarily based on the premise that enjoying sex is a masculine prerogative. However, more and more women are finding that this is not so.

Most women have lived their lives trying to act "like proper women" and shunning men "who have one thing on their minds." Now, according to one woman, "I let guys know I like sex."

Thus, she may soon get beyond, "what other people will think" and concentrate on the pleasures of the sexual experience — in particular, experiencing regular orgasms. This is often bolstered by the excitement that surrounds the culturally taboo aspects of a married women having sex with other men.

Often the Husband's Idea
All of this notwithstanding, the cuckold husband/hotwife phenomena is typically the idea of the husband who not only knows about the high number of female affairs, but is even sexually excited by visualizing another man having sex with his wife.

According to one husband, "I had to really change my view about how a wife is supposed to be, especially with guys finding out she's 'easy.' But now I can sort of get off on having a woman that guys know is pretty hot. Fact is, instead of being embarrassed or defensive, I now sort of brag about how she loves sex, and then I casually mention that this sure makes her a lot different than most wives."

According to another husband, "...after a while I got into the idea of encouraging her to let guys give her all the sex she can handle. ...She's settled on several guys she likes and she gets it from at least one of them almost every day. I don't mind her going off with a guy for a few hours; I don't feel like I have to take her out — they do that. In fact, I have to admit, I sort of get off on knowing [when she goes out with a guy] that he will soon have her clothes off and be in her. I can kind of get of on visualizing them going at it."

From her husband's perspective, if he can rid himself of the "fallen woman baggage" that pervades most of our culture, the fact that she is pursued by men, makes herself available to men, and is frequently bedded by men, introduces a bit of competition for her. This can strengthen the husband's resolve to "treat her right."

Or, things can move in the opposite direction, with the husband feeling that, to a degree, she is no longer "his," and he may find himself emotionally distancing himself from her. If such feelings aren't effectively addressed and resolved, they may seriously damage the relationship. Things aren't helped when his change in attitude is accompanied by her (however transient) excitement about new men in her life.

From the husband's perspective there is sometimes a "taming of the shrew" element. He may fantasize about a powerful (safe) man sexually awakening and dominating her, and forcing her to break free of sexual inhibitions. Some husbands know how exciting a new sexual partner and experience can be, and want to offer some other men this experience with their wives.
A husband may also fantasize about having a wife that is, to a degree, driven by both a physical and a psychological need for sex. Visualizing or seeing first-hand other men meeting this need in her —but only with his permission— may excite him.

The Woman's Perspective
Women have a different perspective on being a hotwife, of course. According to one woman, "I've got a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband, or even being worried about what people will think. If I want to do it with a guy, I have the freedom to let it happen.

At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or threaten the unusual freedom she enjoys, a freedom she knows that very few husbands would be willing to grant. Therefore, she needs to be careful to be totally open and honest to her husband about her lovers. This means that there will be no secret conversations or secret meetings with men. It may also mean that the husband may want to approve of the men she has sex with.

The cuckold husband may want his wife to announce her sexuality by wearing revealing clothes. For example, he may accompany her to a night spot in a distant city and have her dress in ultra-revealing clothes. This can serve to get them both used to the resulting male attention. Rather than being jealous, having a wife that is seen by other men as sexually "hot" may provide him with an ego boost. (Dare we suggest that for some men hot wives are replacing hot cars as a source of pride.) Thus, while the male and female motivations might be quite different in the cuckold husband-hotwife phenomena, the ultimate goal can be the same.

The husband has to adjust to his wife not being sexually exclusive to him. He will have to deal with meeting men who have had or want to have sex with her. To compensate for any suspected loss of his virility, the husband may remind others of his own previous sexual escapades. At the same time to prove his lack of jealousy, he may freely admit to men that his wife regularly enjoys sex with different men, and he may even subtly offer her to select men. According to one man, "I like to set things in motion like that just to see what happens."

The Quintessential Issue
What may seem desirable for the husband or wife while under the influence of testosterone, libido or fantasy, may later seem like a huge mistake. The result may be regret and marital estrangement.

Clearly, the cuckold husband/hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and human tendencies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized. Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, most of society isn't. With most people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that lets his wife have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.

This can be a problem in a work environment where "character" is a part of job performance and promotion considerations. (A common male chauvinistic attitude with roots in the "wife as the husband's property" notion says that a husband should keep his wife "under control," and if she has affairs she definitely isn't "under control.")
While many couples are able to keep their sexual activities private, they may live with the fear that they may be found out. At the same time, self-employed people who live in large urban areas, or people who work around like-minded individuals probably won't have this concern.

All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs, and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in countries such as Japan, one wonders if somewhere down the road to cultural enlightenment U.S. society won't be ready to accept open relationships. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.

Although the transition will certainly be bumpy, if we are able to shift our emphasis to love and commitment to hold relationships together, rather than the refutable doctrines about sexual exclusivity which simply cater to jealousies and insecurities, it would not only eliminate much heartache, but it would remove many of the "justifications" for dissolving relationships.


  • At 8:56 AM, Blogger jerry said…

    Would love to know where to buy cuckold dvds. I don't want to view streaming videos on the internet because I don't trust the process. There are so few cuckold dvds you can purchase, especially amateur ones. Got any suggestions and titles? THANKS.

  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger Tom Paine said…

    What is porn but voyeurism where we watch another man fuck the woman we're attracted to?

  • At 6:33 AM, Blogger Funcple4others said…

    Ok we are tired of being labled cuckolds!!!! There is a distinct difference from enjoying the Hotwife lifestyle and being a cuckold.

    We have met with and chatted with hundreds of couples who enjoy this lifestyle and the vast majority of the men are not cuckold.

    We all view that term as a negative conotation. Meaning that we are submissive or like to be degraded or humiliated, which is so far from the truth. Most husbands in a hotwife lifestyle like to be in in control or semi in control, that is part of the whole attraction that you have a hot sexy wife that is lusted after by others and you can control or have combined control on who gets her or not.

    We found this description of Hotwife lifestyle on wikipedia and we think it is spot on!!

    "Hot Wife"
    The term hot wife refers to a married woman who has sex with men other than her spouse, with the husband's consent. In most cases the husbands take a vicarious pleasure in watching their wives' and the other male/s enjoyment, or enjoy watching, hearing, or knowing about their wives' adventures. Husbands may also take part by engaging in threesomes, or arranging dates for their wives.

    A distinct subculture of hotwiving, cuckolding, is a subgenre in which emphasis is placed upon the sexual humiliation of role reversal, with the woman free to flaunt her sexuality and show blatant enjoyment, and the husband restricted to a passive or subordinated role, possibly involving erotic sexual denial.

  • At 7:56 AM, Blogger indochine22 said…

    Thank you for an insightful, original and intelligent discussion of a topic in much need of insightful, original and intelligent discussion. I am a young, sexy Asian wife married to an older, professional white man who wants me to have sex with Black men. I wanted to learn more about these desires of his and discovered a sight called Modern Directions which I thought was brilliant and was helping me to understand but it has closed. I am pleased to have found this site. Please continue your education; we are much in need of your knowledge.

  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger Claus Andrup said…

    This is a fascinating subject and one that has played a central role in my sexual life for all my adult life. Whether they have been girlfriends or wives I have always been turned on by the thought of them having sex with other men. What excites (I believe) is the notion of the sexually aggressive or dominant woman. If she happens to me my wife, all the better.

    The buzz one gets from the thought of one's wife enjoying every possible sex act with another, perhaps better preforming male, is intoxicating. While this remains the fantasy of many, many men, in practice it is complicated and can be destructive.

    Trust, as in all human relationships, remains the key. If you trust that your wife can enjoy another man all night, but will come to you in the morning, then try it.

  • At 8:23 PM, Blogger MB said…

    Thank you Funcple4others, I think you are so right on, I have a HOT WIFE and we enjoy it. And yes Trust is foremost.

  • At 8:35 PM, Blogger MB said…

    Thank you Funcple4others You are so right on, I too feel the same way, and it is great to have a HOT WIFE as a mate.

  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger don said…

    This is an excellent article and clarifies many of my feelings and beliefs. I am not threatened by my Hot Wife and enjoy being a cuckold husband.

  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger luvherwet666 said…

    A very reasoned and informed summation of the hotwife/cuckold psyche. For the last 15 years I have encouraged my wife to have other lovers. She even got pregnant on two occasions from one of them. But there is no way I would regard myself as a cuckold in the usual sense. I would certainly never tolerate being humiliated and those few men who have tried it have been shown very short shift and the front door shortly afterwards by my wife. Equally, I would not tolerate being denied sex by her. She knows I get off on her being fucked by others, especially when she is risking pregnancy. She accepts and welcomes that. And I know she gets a tremendous high from all the sex - especially the social taboo scenarios - and the knowledge I love to see her fully satisfied. We love each other deeply and any man who tried to hurt or disrespect her would be well to look for a good orthopaedic surgeon. I wouldn't change our relationship for anything.

  • At 5:47 AM, Blogger breathe said…

    my wife and I recently have been living out our fantasies in this area, I was very glad to run into this article and descriptions, I have not been happy with the word "cuckhold" as I would not envy the person who tried to humiliate me in that fashion.
    it may be weird...but its good to see Im not alone..

  • At 5:39 AM, Blogger Happy Husband said…

    I totally agree with funcple4others. I love my wife being a hotwife but I do not want to be humiliated. No cream pies and no other bullshit of that ilk. I suppose it makes her dominant in some way between the sheets but it has no effect on our lives outside of the bedroom. My wife is 15 years younger than me and really hot and we both just love what it does to her and to us. We make love constantly. At first I used to ask her for details but now I don't nearly as much. It has been wonderful for us. We tried swinging for a while and we didn't like that nearly as much. We just both get off on her doing other men. She gets jealous I look at other women but I get turned on when she fucks other men. It is just what it is and it is great for us.

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger hedgehogs2000 said…

    I am a cuckold and my wife is a cuckoldress - we love this life style and will continue it.
    She gets something out of this that I just cannot give - I have erectile dysfunction and as I age have no ability to keep a hard on - so why shouldn't let her get fucked ? She will never leave me and deserves the extra... and I love cream pies !!

  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Oh come on! There isn't anything wrong with women having lots of men around. In fact, women are born to do it. The only problem with women, especially famous ones like Elizabeth Taylor and LeAnn Rimes, having open affairs is that they are treated much more harshly than men by society and the media, especially if the women become pregnant with their lover's child.

  • At 2:49 AM, Blogger Sex Magic said…

    What I find hard to understand here is that the term Cuckold seems to be used more for porn these days and with the wife being the "easy" one in the relationship.
    A Cuckold husband should not really have a choice in what his wife does. If the wife want to have sex with others, it should be the wife in control of the situation, not with the man having sex with the wife, but the wife getting as much pleasure as possible from the man, for herself. This is the true meaning of the Cuckold way of life.

  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger Karl said…

    Actually, there IS a term for us; Wittol. It's an obsolete word, very old-fashioned. Strictly speaking, where a Cuckold is generally unaware of his wife's extracurricular activities, the Wittol both knows and approves. I found that on Wikipedia.

  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger Amy Smolka said…

    So are you raising the kids as yours,


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